“Men advice – w4m – 29”

I work second shift, which means most nights I’m kicking off my shoes around midnight-thirty. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for hanging with friends, but it does allow me a few quiet hours at night to contemplate the deeper mysteries of life.

Or, as is more often the case, I reply to random ads in the Strictly Platonic section on craigslist. Like this one:

I am trying to avoid a messy situation. I talk to 2 men…one is an ex and that I use to date long ago that I was in love with but we were young and he was an asshole so we broke up we were together off and on for 4 years. The other person is someone who was my frd ard the sme time and always liked me. He is a good guy..the type of guy that will marry you and treat you good. But I am not physically attracted to him…he is cute but no chemistry. My ex..is the opposite I really want to have sex with him which is the only reason i contacted him to be honest but then he stated he wanted to be with me. I dont want to hurt my frd I really want to be with my ex but I dont know if a guy that can get soooo many girls is ready to settle down…and I want to give the nice guy a chance bc I have never dated nice guys…both are 30 y/o. Any advice

Well color me interested. I opened a beer and offered this horrible advice:

Hi! I think it’s astonishing that you’re asking for advice on craigslist, and I can’t imagine the range of replies you’re getting, but the idea was too intriguing not to play.

So, again, hi. I’m Dan. I’m a lawyer, philosopher, and pickler. None of those lend me any skill for helping you out, but I’ll give it a try anyways.

Let me see if I can sum up the problem: Two guys. One you’ve got history with and want to fuck senselessly. He wants to “be with” you. He’s of questionable moral character. The other guy is really into you, has been waiting for a while, but he doesn’t make your nether bits tingle. An outstanding gentleman. Two immediate questions: What does “be with” mean–are we talking just sex, or sex plus relationship and commitment? And the nice guy, have you, um, given him a test drive just to be sure?
Those are my uncertainties before I dispense advice. I’m also gathering from your age, your mention of marriage, your implications of settling down, and your rather random cry for help on craigslist of all places that you’re the honest, commitment-before-humping sort. I’d like to discourage you from this. Don’t think I’m advocating random slutting, but more a limited easing of restrictions. Sleep with the good guys. You pick which are the good ones. What’s a relationship anyways, when breaking one’s as easy as never calling again? Men are always liars where women are concerned. Forget calling it anything; you feel how you feel, and that’s that, even if you sometimes feel like doing things your mother would disapprove of–that’s called having fun.

You’ve known this gentlemanly guy for years and think he’s cute and he’s totally into you. GET WITH HIM! but don’t get clingy. The only way to know if it’s any good between the two of you is to have an honest look. And, in the words of Outkast, sex is always better when there’s feelings involved. So give him a shot. Let him show you his A-Game, and let yourself enjoy it. Guys like taking beautiful women out and showing them a good time, I promise. Be decent; only make out on the first date, but give it up on the second (time’s a-wasting, right?). Then you’ll know.

As for the sexy bastard, well, you’ve been on and off for years. You can be off a little while longer, undoubtedly, and still pick right back up where you left off at your leisure. In the meantime, if he’s the man-whore you describe, I don’t see why you couldn’t call him up before midnight some random night, head over to his place, and ride him until you can’t breathe anymore. That’s assuming you’re not all picky about having to be his girlfriend first.

One other argument for sleeping with everyone in this story: Sex is a whole lot of fun. And I think you agree. Why not do it often then, especially with good people? I suppose you’re worrying about hurting people. I don’t fully understand this objection. Let’s play the worst-case scenario out–you go out with the gentleman; hell, you sleep with the gentleman; it doesn’t go well; he wants to keep trying but you’re disinclined to continue. Well, that’s exactly how things are right now, isn’t it? Follow through with my advice and you’ll at least get a couple nights out and another excellent reason to keep it just friends. We’re all adults here, right? Sticking one dirty part into another doesn’t magically erase friendships; being weird about it does that.

As for the sexy bastard getting hurt? Sister, players done get played. Worst case scenario: he’s devastated to hear you’ve been around with another guy, then gets crazy jealous and weird. Well, if he’s truly a decent guy–and I’m being Ricki Lake serious here, by the way–he’ll drink a beer, smoke a bowl and have a long talk with himself about how it feels when the one he loves messes around with other people. And maybe be less of a man-whore for it. Otherwise, if he just stays a dick, he’s better off relocating to the Jersey Shore.

There were two pop references in that last paragraph. Forgive me; I think I do it because I’m getting old.

I imagine this was of little help. Here’s hoping you got some benefit from it. Good luck, brave little viking! Write me back if things turn out interesting.
With kind regards,
Hi Mom! I love you, you did a wonderful job, and I’m not your fault.

One response to ““Men advice – w4m – 29””

  1. J says :

    So, do you actually believe the bull shit you just dished out? 😉

    P.S. I did manage grab your business card.

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